Newsletter: Community & Enemies

I can only say this in so many ways. We are under attack. Black people been under attack. Trans people been under attack as well, but now we’re seeing a government sanctioned genocide being pushed. It’s scary times, and Many of these activist and organizing scenes are stuck in a disgusting cycle of infighting. I can’t help but notice the time and energy this song is being released, and it wasn’t intentional (y’all i like to pretend i’m psychic but i couldn’t have predicted any of this nonsense). Regardless, it’s made me think about the importance of defining community for yourself and honoring its sacredness.

I grew up on the southwest side of Chicago. this part of the city has a bigger white and Latinx population. I grew up going through a lot of ridicule, but especially as I got older. I had to fight. I had to fight to stay alive. I had to fight off racists daily. I had to fight for my right to exist and be myself in peace. I did not have safety, and i was not able to have it unless I fought for it. There were days the bullying got so rough, I prayed to die. And that was just at school. I would come home to more ridicule and severe abuse that left me in my room, scared that i’ll never leave (let alone see tomorrow). I only survived because of the kindness of the few souls I could call friends during that time. The people who showed me the love I wanted.

My life has been a fight. that’s it. I fought to be here today. from racial terrorism to violent sexual abuse to substance abuse to police violence to housing instability. Everything has been a fight. Idk when I will not have to fight. I’ve assumed that this is just my life purpose or punishment. I will always have to fight to be heard, to be seen, to be loved.

But lately, i have realized that’s not true. I don’t need to fight all the time. That this warrior energy is to be channeled only when absolutely necessary. All of these moments I have mentioned were times of life or death. Or at least they were to me. As I’m older now, I feel like the times we are in mirror those of my adolescents. These battles for life or death. I feel this pull to isolate myself out of self preservation. I’m watching people tear each other apart over grant money, social currency, likes & RTs. I’m watching people who claimed to be about the movement fall to the demise of their own ego. I’m watching our culture be mined and sold to others while the architects make nothing and receive no credit. These are our real enemies. These are the people who deserve our wrath and heat. Community is what is needed right now, and a defined community beyond identities is a necessity. Defining community for ourselves based on our needs and desires is vital during this time. This is all I can learn from these battles that have shaped me as an adolescent and adult. i wouldn’t be here without the people who have decided to guide me or just love me. That may be some of you reading this right now. My body has this survival response to retreat and back into the corner, ready to strike back in defense. But lately, I have been fighting that urge because with time away from that pain and trauma i can see the affects of it on those around me. The pain of being left behind for a battle. my own inability to decipher an enemy between community and possibly hurting those I love out of fear and survival mode.

I have no enemies besides the systems that stand in the way of my freedom and the autonomy of those around me. I’m dedicated to building a community that fosters love and respect to each others autonomy as human beings. a community that Allows people to make decisions for themselves. I still dream of being a part of a community that welcomes disagreement and conflict, so we can get to the root of our issues and find the path to something different. I want to live in a community with people who understand how connected we are. I want to be in a community with people who are ready to buck back at those fascists on a witch hunt trying to kill us through legislation.

As I drop this song, this is what i’m thinking of. I’m thinking of clearing my mind and not letting the trauma and pain of others completely shape how I see them. demonize them or villainize them as I have been. i see the pain that’s running through our scenes. I refuse to turn people into opposition to me or my idea of community. i see them as who they are- lost, scared, and in pain. These people deserve a community that reflects their needs. we all do.