Newsletter : Black August, Grief, and our dead
This month I’ll be observing Black August as much as one can. I have found it harder and harder to be intentional about my time during August, especially this August. I find it hard to focus with so much grief on my mind and heart. I also feel that my hope in a movement, in liberation is waning. I worry about my ability to stay strong to my people, to be in solidarity with my people. But only because more and more, I feel alone in my solidarity. That this side of the fence is mighty empty.
Black August has been a time to focus on solidarity and political education. It has been a time to educate yourself and grow closer to oneself. Traditionally, it is observed through fasting, studying, and communing with your comrades. However, it’s harder to do in this day and age for so many reasons, but we continue to struggle.
I have been holding onto so much grief. So much guilt. Guilt for not taking the time I should have to focus on what was important: building community, family, and more importantly listening to what my mind and body need. Last year, I lost a childhood friend to suicide. It broke me. Not all deaths can shake me to my core, leave me feeling like I died, but this one did. A part of me is gone and will not come back. And I have to learn how to cope with that.
In August last year, I found myself at the lake almost every day, and when everything fell apart, I was there every day. I cried to the water. I filled the lake with so many tears. So many tears that it lead to floods. One day, I went to the lake all I could do is write. I cried and wrote. I wrote and I cried. All this pain just flowed out of me. Maybe it wasn’t my best or my cleanest rhymes, but it was what needed to be said.
Later on in January, I spit these rhymes for a producer. I told them they’ve been on my mind heavy. I can hear the song, the sound, but I can’t make it. JoH20 answered the call. They showed me this beat that penetrated my soul. I spit the first verse and fit perfectly like a custom made latex suit. I didn’t have a hook, but I knew whatever it would be would say everything I need to say. One day, while taking a break from looking for a damn job, I went live on TikTok and started playing around with the song. I let the song play for a bit, and I kid you not the current hook is what came out. It just flowed. “How you doing young child/ Settle down it’s been awhile/ I wanna know how you’re living/ What you doing how you feelin/ How you doing young child/ Settle down it’s been a while/ How you doing young child/ Settle down it’s been awhile”
And it felt warm. And the few folks on my live felt it too. It felt real. It felt like exactly what I wanted to hear. What I wish I could here. I thought of the people who I want to say this to and hear this from. And then… I cried some more lol. But it felt like the realest thing I ever made. I felt mad insecure about my voice and singing. I lost it (figuratively) at a prime time and moment for me to find my own. I’m still insecure. But I also know that what I do have is soul. That can’t be denied, and it can be felt. That’s all that matters. But as sad as this song can feel at moments (or least how I describe it lol) it was fun.
There was nothing hard about making this song. From the collaborations to the getting it out on the page. Recording it was fun, light, and filled my heart. For a moment, I felt alive. For a moment, I feel like I finally spoke to the guilt and pain. I finally had a place to put these feelings that have been plaguing me for far too long.
So here it is. Black August, I’m focusing less on a dogmatic, traditional observation and moving to just listening to my body. I’m practicing being here. I’m educating myself and taking as many opportunities to learn as one can. Nourishing my mind in the ways that are asked of me, so that I can nurture hope within my soul. As my hope for everything around me begins to die.